Coping with Tragedy

For many of us, we've experience the loss of a grandparent, parent, or even friend. We've mourned the loss in various ways and managed through the grief that lingers, especially if the person was close to us. As we watch the evening news, we may experience sadness in learning about tragic deaths of parents, teenagers, and even children. For my family we attempt to shield our children from these news stories, partly because we are uncertain how our children will process the information and partly because we don't want to overexpose them to the cruel and tragic nature of this world (they'll get plenty exposure soon enough).

Recently a little girl was killed in our city by a drive by shooting. The little girl was asleep in her bed in the front of the house, which received the brunt of the spraying bullets. My children's bedroom faces the front of our house, and it was a matter of days before this event was the topic amongst my children's classmates. My oldest came home one day worried, about being killed in her sleep. So the last couple of weeks, my bride and I have tucked our children into bed, and prayed over them.

This morning I received a call that another little girl had been killed. This time it was a stabbing, but more importantly this time the child attended the same school as my children. Suddenly the tragic events across town were closure than ever. Its very probable that my middle child had played with this latest little girl, and so my wife and I are in the midst of preparing for the eventual questions my children will have.

I enter this preparation wanting to communicate to my kids that they are safe, loved, and that they shouldn't necessarily dwell on this recent event. At the same time I know that I can not completely protect them from everything. I don't want to fuel their anxiety or fears, but I also don't want to give them a false hope of security that "nothing bad will ever happen to them." I'm also unsure what questions they will have, and what information they have already processed.

Experts tell us that the first and most important thing we parents can do is tell and show our children that we love them. When talking about the subject, we should invite kids into our arms. There is reassurance in the clutches of a parent which will help when we don't have all the answers to the bewildering number of questions the children can submit. The second thing the experts tell us, is that we need to allow our children to ask the questions. It's not simply a process of answering the questions, but more about encouraging the children to share their concerns and questions. Finally the experts tell us to answer the questions we can with age appropriate responses. For younger children that view the world in concrete terms we answer them with concrete answers, being aware that every word is being held for future reference. For older children who have a sense of more abstract concepts, we can explain things in a more abstract manner. Of course the most difficult question to answer is that of WHY. Because this is more difficult, because this isn't always apparent in the news reports, because this is often the fuel for anxiety for my own children, this is what I'm most apprehensive about tackling with my kids.

When people told me that raising kids is difficult, I pretty certain they weren't talking about the schedules, homework, or diaper changing. The difficult part is guiding them through the maze of events in their life that often don't make sense or that we've taken for granted the significant impact they hold.